For the ones in the back.
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Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad