I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
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Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Human are so complicated
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Why is no one talking about this?!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-