Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
You Might Also Like
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
This is my pinned tweet
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Cake!!
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many