[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
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don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
ok this is my dumbest yet
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash