Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
You Might Also Like
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
ouch
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.