Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
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Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
damn he’s good
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”