I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
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I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn