Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
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Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.