I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
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Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.