Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
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Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.