Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
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*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]