Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
You Might Also Like
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school