The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
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If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*