4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
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The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.