kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
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Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Saw online –
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
i would wish you the best but i am the best
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog