“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
The 4 stages of a family vacation
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale