I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
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Me: I鈥檒l email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I鈥檓 an anti-faxer.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
me adding lol on a serious message
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don鈥檛 know, I would miss them so much
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Bobby pin
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You鈥檒l note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Her: You secretly think you鈥檙e the most clever one in the room, don鈥檛 you.
Me: Secretly? No.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.