Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
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E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.