I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
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Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
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.
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.
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It’s Dublin.