Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
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You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”