THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY ๐๐๐
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Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Iโm getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. ยฃ4.50 for coffee, ยฃ6 for a piece of cake, ยฃ12 an hour parking โ always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and Iโm going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
โMy god,โ the explosives specialist says. โThe bombโs diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!โ
I slowly look up. My time has comeโฆ
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
โWhoeverโs in charge of this music sucksโ
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
โWhoeverโs in charge of this music sucks, sir.โ
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
My online dating profile just says โInvented Karateโ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.