cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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This January has 47 Mondays
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
waiting for halloween be like:
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I hope it’s French Onion!
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.