If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
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Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical