You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
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[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
me
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.