Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
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My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.