Meanwhile in Portland…
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.