Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
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Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
fired
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.