Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
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Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Stop.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….