The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
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vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars