Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
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[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious