If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
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It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*