when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
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*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I did not eat the cake…
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
can you read it!!??
maan!
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Cake safety first. Always.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.