Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
A Short Story.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
HR said no more nunchucks.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.