[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Yup
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles