If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
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If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””