Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
How to draw a duck
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Home #decor warning.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids