Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
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Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
me irl
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
bias laundering edition
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Stick it to the man
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.