I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
You Might Also Like
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe