(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
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They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
👾👾👾
all that yoga finally paid off
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.