[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
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“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
it was a valiant fight
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes