Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
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god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!