Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
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Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.