Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
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does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
how high up are we talkin’?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.