Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
You Might Also Like
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!