[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
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families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
She was REALLY feeling it.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
That 👊
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”