“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
dude it’s called proctologist
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”