before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Print is alive and well!!!
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.