Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
The Sun’s probably Asian.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.