Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
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i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
good work, everybody
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.