*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
You Might Also Like
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Beauty and the Beast
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.